Christmas...oh how we miss you!!!

Well, it's been way too long since I've updated this blog. I think this year I am going to give it a real good honest try at it...wish me luck!

We had a wonderful Christmas, which I am so happy to report! Christmas time for me, is a bit of a double edged sword if you will. Chase was diagnosed TWO YEARS ago with his diabetes at this very same time. December 21, 2007. When Christmas time rolls around, I can't help but to be a little nervous. Happily and thankfully - nothing tragic! Just some runny noses and coughs traded amongst the cousins. Nothing we can' t recover from...

The Texas Johnson's made it our for Christmas. They came to our freezing temps, foggy and wintery white climate! Which all made Christmas feel very Christmasy this year.

We enjoyed a week of nonstop playing!!! As the kids get older, they have more and more fun each time they see each other. Rylie is 6 yrs, Taylor is 5 yrs, Chase is 4 yrs and Aubrey is 3 yrs! We thoroughly enjoyed the week long visit...and as it turned out, a week flew by and it just didn't feel like it was long enough. We were sad to see them go!!!

Tonight, Chase had a meltdown! As I'm asking my son why he is crying (I'm expecting to hear he's afraid of the dark or something) he tells me how much he misses Taylor and Aubrey and he just doesn't get to see them EVER! 
I try to explain to my 4 yr old that I feel his pain, but his cousins live a long ways from us. And we have to get on a big airplane to see them....he doesn't believe me. :)

I got a AWESOME new camera for Christmas! My sister in-law Tiffini has officially made me a picture taking fool...and I love it. I just downloaded my camera tonight. So since getting it on December 19th - my camera has taken 575 pictures!!! Oh me oh my!!! 

I wanted to include some of my faves....enjoy!

I hope everyone's Christmas and New Year was amazing...

Chase, Rylie, Taylor & Aubrey Christmas Eve 2009

                                                                                       Chase having fun sledding!!!

Daddy & Rylie

JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes

October 11, 2009 - we participated in our 2nd walk. It was a gorgeous day...we could not have asked for better weather! We had a group of family and friends that came to walk with us and show their love and support for Chase. It is times like these, that make me realize (not that I really forget), how lucky we are to have the family and friends we do have.
We have raised about $1600- and will be receiving more donations in the next week or two. We are so excited to get donations to give to the JDRF. Without this organization...there would be no hope of a cure for Type 1 diabetes (juvenile diabetes). For the JDRF, we are so grateful and will continue a life long journey of collecting donations for research.
If anyone is interested in donating, we would love and appreciate all of the support we can get!!!
http://walk.jdrf.org/support.cfm?id=87441692
On the drive into Reno for the walk, I asked Chase if he would like to have a cure someday? He said "NO!"...I am not sure if he understands that, but I tried to explain it. I see how he deals daily with his diabetes, and he honestly doesn't even notice it! Which I am so grateful that he is being himself, and not letting something like this, consume him. It however consumes me, and I would love a cure for him. Not for me!!! I want my son to live a life that is not in jeapordy of horrific complications. I want him to be able to eat or drink something and never have to give it another thought. The next process to be only digestion - not how much insulin is now needed!!!
Anyways, he is doing awesome!!!! And with that said, life has been a beautiful blessing...blood sugar testing and all!!!!

School daze....

I have not been good about updating my blog. I will try to get better at it...no promises though!!!
Everyone is doing great...WHEW!!!
~Rylie has turned into the ultimate big girl this year. She is a big bad 1st grader! She actually is doing a 1st/2nd grade split. She's rockin' it - we never doubted this child. She LOVES eating lunch at school, for now anyways. She joined a "club" at school and does waterpainting on Fridays. And when there is time around the waterpainting - her teacher teaches the kids Tai Kwon Do! She likes to come home and put her new moves to the test...on Mom when she isn't looking! ;)
~Chase started his 1st year of preschool! And then a few weeks later, turned 4 yrs old. I have personally witnessed the developments of Chase since being a "preschooler". He is not as "naughty" as he previously was, but has not lost that ability completely. He enjoys school once he's there. He doesn't like the anticipation of going I guess. He always me if he is going to preschool and WHY??? Then whines a little that he doesn't want to go. But has never cried or resisted. Plus, they have some too cool toys to play with. And if you know Chase, then you'd know he RUNS to the best one to ride on.
~Matt is a busy dude...as always! Travels, travels and travels some more. He is mostly a weekend Dad! When he's home, we try to make the most of it. I am not bitter about the traveling - it's his job and what supports us. I am thankful everyday for the opportunity to be home with our kids and be the one taking them to school and picking them up. The best job on the planet...thank you Matt for that!!!
~Me...well - busy! Between having both kids in school, Rylie's soccer and puppy, a traveling Matt, blood sugars, raising money for the JDRF, planning my yearly blood drive for our Zack...I barely find a quiet moment. Even when the kids are at school, Abe is at my feet needing attention! ;)
I'm a lucky girl.....

Abe...our new addition

So, we finally did it! We have added a pet to the family. We know are the proud "parents" of a baby cocker spaniel. We named the little dude "Abe" for Abraham Lincoln since Abe (and his brothers and sisters) were born the day after President's Day! Rylie and Chase love him...in fact so much, that Chase has spent most of the day in time out! He won't leave poor little Abe alone...ever! I do understand that the puppy is a new and oh so cute. But everytime poor Abe tries to get a little shut eye...oops, there is Chase to make sure that doesn't happen. Or when Abe might actually want to eat, there is Chase picking him up and taking him to the opposite side of the house...while almost holding Abe in a choke hold position! UGH...it will pass though!
But anyways, thought I would share that little bit of info.

Grey's Anatomy AND Private Practice...

Okay - so these are two of my favorite shows. I get so excited when they come on. Starting last week, they moved Private Practice to Thursday nights right after Grey's Anatomy. Which I happen to have mixed feelings on. Because, now I only have one night of t.v. that I really enjoy instead of two. But the hardest part may actually be that I have to be so emotionally caught up in (yes tears and all) that now for 2 hours straight - I'm laughing OR crying OR both at the same time. Confusion...utter confusion Anyways...I am sharing this because I'm not really all that sure why - but felt the need to write about it I guess. At the end of Private Practice, Cooper and Violet are sitting in the closet, it felt safe. Like their problems and fears didn't exist beyond sitting in that closet. I sometimes wish that I could just sit in my closet, but would have my 3 yr old and 5 yr old thinking that Mommy was actually playing hide and seek and not leave me alone. So I will refrain from closet hiding, and just sit here on my dang computer writing about something at trivial as night time drama on t.v. that has my full attention and I get so completely consumed by these two shows. Why is that? Am I the only one? Surely not (ha, my Grandma's name is Shirley - just yeah...the other meaning)... Anyways, incase anyone is wondering if I have lost my mind. NOT YET!!! But I do have a infusion site on my upper butt cheek - lower back area. Chase needed a new site tonight and he fights me so badly, it's frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. Anyways, after holding my child down literally and shooting a new site into his poor little butt cheek, I told him if he stopped crying and being mad at me for doing his - that he could put a site on Mommy. Oh my goodness, he immediately stopped crying and kind of laughed, evily. So I get the site and a alcohol pad out - and he can't wait to do this. I'm a bit nervous, not gonna lie - he is overjoyed at the thought of hurting his poor mom. Mind you - I did this out of pure love for my son. So I'm trying to help him, and we totally got it too high up, and I swear we punctured a vein or something. My @$$ hurts - almost numb like. I had to be brave - my 3 yr old is watching. He has to have a new one of these done once every three days. And boy does three days go by so fast!!!! It sucks actually. Anyways, I promised my eager to hurt Mommy son that I would wear this site as long as he has on. So for 3 days, my @$$ is doomed to hurt. I know my son will be checking me regularly to see "Mommy's site" - therefore, this one is staying. I could only imagine where the next one might actually end up. LOL So I told Chase, "hey, as soon as Daddy gets home from being on the road - we should give Daddy a site too!" He was pretty jazzed!!!! Hope Matt doesn' t mind - it's all for the sake of Chase to laugh and smile about getting those darn things But hope I don't have to do this everytime too. It does suck if you're wondering. But, it is better than 3-4 insulin shots per day. This is one every three days. Much easier...anyways, wish me and the 'ol butt good luck! :)

12-21-08 marks 1 year of diabetes for Chase...

Today is Chase's official 1 year diagnosis day! Can't call it much of an "anniversary" - but we have come such a long way. One year ago today - I was a effing wreck!!! Today, I look at my beautiful son, and am so grateful to The Good Lord for not only giving me this child, but letting me keep him.
I am determined to not only keep Chase healthy and thriving - but to find the positives and share those with others going through this too.
I can only be grateful for what we have. I see and read so many things that children have (like our Zack) - and I will take Chase's diabetes over 99% of what I come across. My son is the same as he was before his diagnosis. I joke to people that his diabetes is the easy part of him to take care of these days. It's the 3 year old little boy that is more difficult! :)
My son is a very brave little man - and I hope to be as strong as him one day...
Chase my precious boy...we love you more than words can ever say. You are the warrior - YOU ARE THE MAN!!! So glad you're mine little guy...

20 Things I've missed out on with my Zackary...

My dear friend Mindy, who also lost a child - encouraged me to write 20 things I love about my son. I didn't get to be his "mommy" in the way that I wished to have been. He was a hospital baby, mine...but they called the shots. Anyways, I'm sure I could come up with some. But I have been without him longer than I had him - and have missed some very important things with him if he could have lived...
So this is my list of 20 things that I have missed out...
1. I didn't get to hold Zack right after he was born. They took him immediately, and I didn't know what my son looked like about 10 hours. I knew he had a heart defect - but not the features of my newborn child's face/body...
2. We didn't get to bring Zack home. We came to the hospital with a infant carrier, a diaper bag full of stuff - and they all went home with us. Full diaper bag - empty carseat...
3. I never got to breastfeed my son like I had planned. I was a pumping fool for 2 months. I hated it!!! Zack got my milk once - in a tube through his nose.
4. We didn't get a chance to wake up in the middle of the night with him and take care of him. We were sleep deprived, but for a very different reason.
5. We didn't get to put clothes on our son. I remember Matt and I going on this little baby boy shopping spree before he was born. We picked out the cutest little man clothes. We were so excited getting him these things. I remember how excited Matt was especially for a couple of outfits - they totally looked like Matt clothes, just much much smaller versions...
6. I didn't get to bring my baby home from the hospital...again! This time from LPCH - Stanford. My son passed away after 2 months of "living" there... or "dying" there. - whatever.......................
7. We didn't get to have any holidays with him except Easter. But that was at LPCH... I remember being very sad on Christmas Day - it would have been his 1st Christmas, and he wasn't there. I just slept the afternoon away.
8. We didn't get to celebrate Zack's 1st b-day. I was a total effing wreck! I was working at the pharmacy, and just could barely get through the day. It was hard...still is!
9. I didn't get to take my son to his pediatrician's appointments. He didn't get immunizations...
10. My son never got his 1st tooth...
11. We didn't get to give him any baths...
12. He never got to meet his little sister and little brother
13. He didn't get to crawl or take his 1st steps.
14. He didn't get to taste food
15. He didnt' get to say his 1st words
16. He didn't get to learn to ride a bike
17. He didn't get to push cars around - like Chase does all the time!
18. He didn't get to go to his 1st day of school. Last year, he would have been going to Kindergarten. That stung me pretty good. I had a hard day that 1st day of school. I could have been taking Zack if he was still here.
19. I don't get to kiss and hug my son anymore.
20. I don't get to watch him grow up and get married and have a family of his own.....................

- So this was not easy to get through, it's hard holding back my tears. The lump in my throat...it hurts! Life's not fair. It's a double edged sword. I have been so blessed in my life. A wonderful husband who shows me daily how much he loves me. Three beautiful incredible children. One taken from me and one with Type 1 Diabetes. I may never know why my life is destined for some incredible hardships. But I must have faith that the Lord knows my heart and will lead me in the right direction. I'm complicated to understand. I don't get myself most days. I am not yet the woman I would like to be. I am hoping that now entering my 30's - I will find that. I am not who I want and need to be in my mind yet. I can only hope that Zack was proud of us...of our decision to let him go with God...instead of us. I have my peace...that's all I can ask for right now.