20 Things I've missed out on with my Zackary...

My dear friend Mindy, who also lost a child - encouraged me to write 20 things I love about my son. I didn't get to be his "mommy" in the way that I wished to have been. He was a hospital baby, mine...but they called the shots. Anyways, I'm sure I could come up with some. But I have been without him longer than I had him - and have missed some very important things with him if he could have lived...
So this is my list of 20 things that I have missed out...
1. I didn't get to hold Zack right after he was born. They took him immediately, and I didn't know what my son looked like about 10 hours. I knew he had a heart defect - but not the features of my newborn child's face/body...
2. We didn't get to bring Zack home. We came to the hospital with a infant carrier, a diaper bag full of stuff - and they all went home with us. Full diaper bag - empty carseat...
3. I never got to breastfeed my son like I had planned. I was a pumping fool for 2 months. I hated it!!! Zack got my milk once - in a tube through his nose.
4. We didn't get a chance to wake up in the middle of the night with him and take care of him. We were sleep deprived, but for a very different reason.
5. We didn't get to put clothes on our son. I remember Matt and I going on this little baby boy shopping spree before he was born. We picked out the cutest little man clothes. We were so excited getting him these things. I remember how excited Matt was especially for a couple of outfits - they totally looked like Matt clothes, just much much smaller versions...
6. I didn't get to bring my baby home from the hospital...again! This time from LPCH - Stanford. My son passed away after 2 months of "living" there... or "dying" there. - whatever.......................
7. We didn't get to have any holidays with him except Easter. But that was at LPCH... I remember being very sad on Christmas Day - it would have been his 1st Christmas, and he wasn't there. I just slept the afternoon away.
8. We didn't get to celebrate Zack's 1st b-day. I was a total effing wreck! I was working at the pharmacy, and just could barely get through the day. It was hard...still is!
9. I didn't get to take my son to his pediatrician's appointments. He didn't get immunizations...
10. My son never got his 1st tooth...
11. We didn't get to give him any baths...
12. He never got to meet his little sister and little brother
13. He didn't get to crawl or take his 1st steps.
14. He didn't get to taste food
15. He didnt' get to say his 1st words
16. He didn't get to learn to ride a bike
17. He didn't get to push cars around - like Chase does all the time!
18. He didn't get to go to his 1st day of school. Last year, he would have been going to Kindergarten. That stung me pretty good. I had a hard day that 1st day of school. I could have been taking Zack if he was still here.
19. I don't get to kiss and hug my son anymore.
20. I don't get to watch him grow up and get married and have a family of his own.....................

- So this was not easy to get through, it's hard holding back my tears. The lump in my throat...it hurts! Life's not fair. It's a double edged sword. I have been so blessed in my life. A wonderful husband who shows me daily how much he loves me. Three beautiful incredible children. One taken from me and one with Type 1 Diabetes. I may never know why my life is destined for some incredible hardships. But I must have faith that the Lord knows my heart and will lead me in the right direction. I'm complicated to understand. I don't get myself most days. I am not yet the woman I would like to be. I am hoping that now entering my 30's - I will find that. I am not who I want and need to be in my mind yet. I can only hope that Zack was proud of us...of our decision to let him go with God...instead of us. I have my peace...that's all I can ask for right now.